theo had tried to keep the conversations noel attempted to make stay for longer, however with each passing topic slowly scratching off the shortlist they both (surely) had made theo could feel himself always drift back to his own somber silence. there wasn’t a comfort in returning to his mind but his thoughts always welcomed him back with open arms and stabbing claws, digging themselves deeper until noel's voice brought his attention back for however long it lasted. it was a cycle that theo was exhausted with yet growing accustomed to in the most sickening of ways. there was a fear that lingered amongst the others, of a possibility of they never moving past whatever this was between them; and familiarity of their former selves growing faint with each passing minute they stay stuck in the holes they each made themselves. it from frightening to consider himself growing used to this silence and burning in his lungs each time his breath caught to drag whatever words that begged to come out back down to the pit of his stomach; but the thought seemed as close to a reality as the day he nearly watched noel die before he could even make it to his side.

while the trip back to the town of origins (and, lastly, back to the small room in which they called home for the term of their imprisonment) had been slow, everything -- eventually -- had to come to an end. noel was the first to step within the space and, as he feet prompted him to follow, theo (for the first time tonight) felt a wave of relief wash against his posture at the walls that boxed them in. he had never felt the same anxiety as noel and, while wanting to go home, had taken their new found world in stride the best he could; but now the outside world seemed menacing. even surrounding himself with festive lights and dulled cheers had created a sense of fear that creeped up every so often.

“yeah, we should. we didn’t get to see everything … next time we can.” theo ensures, biting back the apology that hangs on his tongue. while they both had not felt up to socializing theo could feel the guilt nipping away at him as the words came out. noel had (at least) tried to make the night fun but theo hadn’t budged, and instead continued to selfishly return back to the silence the other was so desperately trying to pull him out of. it’s the motion of the bag held within noel's hand that catches his eyes and snaps him away from the awkward silence he had -- unknowingly -- fallen back into. his head tilts ever so slightly, catching sight of the distorted view of noel's eyes watching him through the water just before the fish swims between them, breaking their vision.

theos hands react faster than his thoughts and, slowly, he reaches out to take the small plastic bag from the others possession; and when he does theo holds it in the palm of his hand, eyes trained on the fish inside. it’s something to distract himself from staring at noel with the same pained look he knows he’s been giving him -- and each time the fish moves to another direction it brings theos attention to somewhere other than those clinging fears. a name doesn’t come easy and, while theo carefully sits beside the other on the bed, he realizes that he’ll be keeping noel waiting for something that’ll never come. “i … i don’t know what to call him. her? but i’ll think of something and i’ll tell you.” theo starts, still holding the small bag in his hands. “it’ll probably be crazy though, just warning you. i … don’t think i’ve ever really named a pet, so i get a free pass to call this little guy anything i want.”

for a long moment theo hadn’t realized how physically close he had gotten to noel upon sitting beside him on the bed. it had come almost naturally to invade the other's personal space without so much as a second thought that, when done, theo didn’t think twice on it even with his current state of mind. he had been too focused -- too preoccupied -- with the small bundle of code within his palm to not notice anything else around him; or at least, not enough to let his mind stray away from what his eyes were trained on. the goldfish noel had won during their short lived trip to the festival was cute enough to warrant some thought into a nickname, however the longer theo wondered the more his mind wandered to whether he had gotten a fish similar to this as a child. he doubted it -- which had been the reason behind his small comment about naming a pet -- and with that it made him realize just how many things he had yet to experience; and how the majority of them were being done because of noel.

at the start of noel's voice theo slowly raises his head to the sound, eyes suddenly trained on the blonde beside him as he speaks, leaning over against him to do something to the bag in his hands that theo ignores. he’s too caught up in just how easy it is for his attention to be caught by noel, and how difficult he finds it to tear his eyes away. it’s startling in a strange way, twisted in comfort and a feeling of home that theo can only get when around noel ---- and in a small moment theo wonders, briefly, what he’d ever do without him. he notices how noel's eyes are trained on something else and, even when the fish begins to swim in the air around them, theo only watches as noel’s attention finally returns his. that teasing smile causes theo's face to avert away, realizing -- quite suddenly -- how long he's been staring in silence.

the realization of his obvious moment and the bag, untied and free from what had held his attention prior, is as startling as the thoughts that plagued him just a moment ago. it takes theo a second to process the teasing comment noel gives to him, glancing back over to the boy at his side before finally grinning back. “you can’t just steal my line like that, it’s not very cute.” theo says, mocking the same tone noel had just given to him the best he can. he had put noel through so much tonight that, at least, this small mimic of their usual back and forth games would be enough to show the other he was sorry. “well, maybe i shouldn’t say that. you still are pretty cute.” his words come slow off his tongue, leaning against noel to cut whatever little distance had been made between them away until their arms touched.

before the other can speak theo opens his mouth again to cut him off, however as the words hang from his tongue his eyes finally catch sight of the small goldfish, swimming behind noel and around them both. he hadn’t really noticed it before, or if he had the sight had been pushed away by something -- someone -- far more important. his words change and with them theo smiles, partially amused and curious at the question that comes to mind. “so, how much money did you spend on the fish?” theo asks, pulling back slightly to watch as the pet finds a small path between them to swim through. “or, should i not ask?”

there’s a feeling, so small yet capable of capturing theo attention, pulling at the corner of his lips at the sound of noel's voice -- it’s nature, like everything else the other brings out of him, and theo is left giving into the urge. after all the trouble he's caused for noel within the past few days it’s hard for theo to allow himself such a luxury though, ultimately, he understands that doing so will help noel in the long run -- and so, he smiles. it doesn’t reach his eyes, his body still strained, still on edge and frozen in items as noel moves just a few inches away from him and onto the bed. the guilt is was keeps his nerves wired and his mind cloudy, drifting every so often to dark thoughts he’s done nothing but wallow in since the raid.

it’s what blocks the smile spread on his lips from feeling as genuine as it should be; and it’s what makes him believe he shouldn’t even pretend. why should he smile if he had been the cause for noels distress? it was a question theo couldn’t find the answer to and, each time it was thought, oddly enough seemed to be voiced by someone familiar. his father, or perhaps his mother -- their voices sounded the same in his head; riddled in disappointment and contempt. they could always see the flaws in him, even when theo himself thought he’d done well to mask them. he guesses that’s where he gets this mindset from ; or maybe it was just another problem his parents had yet to pick out before he left.

he welcomed the silence between noel's words as much as he clung to voice that pulled him out of his thoughts. it helped to imagine the other staring at one of the many stands that had riddled the festival grounds that night, watching as the fish swam just below the surface, taunting to be captured all the while hiding their willpower to stay living within their small tank. he should have joined him in that game -- maybe than noel would have had a better time. he should have done a lot of things than that he didn’t do. this may have been a whole other world entirely but some things never changed. he could do these amazing things -- call upon weapons in the blink of an eye, enchant a sword with fire with just a simple bead … yet he couldn’t do what mattered most. even now theo stayed silent, just barely turning on the bed to watch as the fish swam through the air, brushing against the hand noel held up to greet it.

there had always been so many things he wanted to say, but he was scared. of the rejection -- of losing noel -- or realizing that he never really had a chance to begin with.

“i remember,” theo says, just barely able to push the words out of his mouth. it’s not a welcoming thought to reminisce on the day they all got trapped in this game; but it’s something that could never be forgotten. the faces of all those panicked people around them didn’t compare to that of the other, pulled away from the crowd to somewhere as quiet as this room. “i was terrified too,” he reassures, eyes drifting from the strange little pet and to the boy laid back on the bed beside him. “even if you hadn’t been scared i probably would have dragged you into the bed with me anyway.” there’s a small hint of a grin resting on his features, his shoulders lifting in a simple shrug once their eyes meet for a moment. “i always tried to get you to sleep with me before. figures it’d take us both getting trapped in a video game for my chance to finally come, huh.” he’d always tried many things -- opened so many doors and given too many hints for theo to remember. it was what fueled the thoughts that nothing would ever start between them, yet, he still continued, pushed to keep trying. there were days he thought that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance; or, perhaps, he was getting better at lying to himself. “why do you ask?”

it’s in the way that noel looks at him, eyes wide and hardened far too much for his age -- still, despite all that, holding a gleam within the color that’s bright; gentle but strong. those very eyes keep theo mesmerized, holding a power that could keep him rooted for days simply staring in awe; and he’s sure that there still would be more things left hidden within them that would remain a mystery. in all honesty, there are far too many things that theo finds so intriguing about the other; but, he guesses, that all stems from finally finding someone to connect to. he's been alone; noel knows this. he’s accepted it. to be a child living in a home where it’s made quite clear that they’re unwelcome makes it hard for them to find a place. it’s even harder when that child grows up to realize just how unhealthy it is to stay.

there had always been people in his life, each coming and going as they pleased with little to no protest. he had been okay during those days. life was hard, he understood that more than anyone. so, when the time came for someone to find their comfort somewhere else, theo was fine to let go. but, than he met noel. he got to know him, confined in him; realize just how similar they were in the worst of ways -- and, for the first time, theo felt as though someone in this crazy world understood. it’s why theo would fight to keep the other by his side no matter the relationship they were in. because, that’s what made noel so important (or, really, one of the reasons why). because, that’s why he would protect him (though, he had been given a chance and failed). because, that’s why noel was his (something one sided, he guesses).

theo feels his fingers inch across the sheets of the bed at the whispered voice being spoken through the silence. it was alluring, temptation dripping in a tone that so easily took his attention and molded him into whatever it wished. it was moments like these that made theo wonder -- that brought him back to a worn-thin hope -- that noel felt the same way about him. noel understood him better than anyone so, maybe, he had read all those hints from before.

just maybe … there was something.

it’s noel's voice again that brings him back from his thoughts of false hope and silent, wishful thinking; of images of him gaining enough courage to bring his body down beside the other, fingers running through the strands of hair that fell beside noel's face. this is reality, theo thinks, as his eyes try to find noels again -- only to see them trained on something else in the room rather than him. a sinking, familiar feeling falls in his chest that quickly fades with the words that leave noels lips.

stop.

hes heard this all before. “you weren’t selfish and don’t … don’t go and apologizing over it either. you don’t give yourself enough credit. you helped me, more times than i can remember.” theo started, unable to find the right words in that moment. what he settles for doesn’t suffice for everything else still hanging off the tip of his tongue, bit back by clouded thoughts and exhaustion of the days prior. “you wanna know what scared me the most that day?” theo asked, silence settling after his final words for a second. he doesn’t wait for him to answer nor does he want him to; theo wanted noel to listen, nothing more. “seeing you panic like that … that’s what scared me the most. it wasn’t the fact that we were stuck in this game or that we could die any second. it was seeing you get brought to that point … that made me worry.” he shifted slightly from where he sat, head brought down -- turned in a way to hide the expression stilled on his face. there were a lot of memories theo hated to remember and this was one of them. “i wasn’t sure if i could help you before, though … i guess i should have known you’d be okay. you’re stronger than that. plus, it’s not like i didn’t think that too … i thought about what would happen if i left you here by yourself or if …” his voice trails.

a thought of bright light, a burn that spreads through his nerves and the feeling of his body slamming into the ground. voices; muffled -- calling out for help amongst the orders to attack and defend those hurt around them. he remembers a name, placed right above a bar of life that quickly depleted down to red until there was nothing to be seen but a small sliver of what was once there.

“if … you know,” theo continues, unable to say the words aloud. fear hugs his throat, choking him -- burning his lungs between every syllable. “i couldn’t go back. not by myself.”

it felt strange to talk this much after so long of keeping things between them silent. while it may not have been that long, for theo it felt like an eternity. he had always been the talkative one out of the two; ready to fill whatever silence with some unnecessary, flirtatious comment or sudden topic that came to mind. it was in his nature. he was social at heart despite whatever teachings his parents tried to instill in him; maybe it was his rebellious nature that made him such a social butterfly. however, despite the cause, it had been what pushed him to talk to noel the day they first met -- and why, even after that, he shoved his way into the other's life.

there were a lot of things theo wanted noel to understand as he talked. he wanted to tell him that their mindsets were similar, that his fear was the same as his. he wanted noel to realize he wasn’t selfish for being so scared back then -- and, most of all, theo wanted noel to understand that he was here for him. even if he couldn’t protect him like he should; even if he had lead him to a situation that nearly killed them both; and, when he shouldn’t deserve to be around noel after all of it, he was still here.

if only noel knew just how selfish he was.

he feels the sensation of movement on the bed and, before he can turn to glance back, theo is caught within noels arms, wrapped and submerged within his voice. something crawls just under his skin, heating his face and causing his heart to race. it takes a courageous push of will for theo to bring his hand up, tentatively touching the others that grip at his clothes as though to keep him stilled on the bed. his eyes avert away at the mention of noel being unable to leave without him, as though the other could see the guilt taking over his face (and the hidden relief in those words under the surface). but, it’s the mention of otohime that hits him the hardest -- leaving his breath to slowly seep from his lips until there was nothing left within his lungs.

theo loved this; and, at another time, would have surely been the one to initiate such an intimate expression of concern. it was when noel took the lead to do something like this and say such things that made him feel more important than anyone else in the world -- it fueled his hope, made him needy for the attention the other gave. but, right now, all it did was make theo even more concerned that his thoughts would be too easy to read.

“noel,” the name falls from his tongue, lower than he intended but still so easily heard amongst the silence of the room. the familiar nudge of the others head against his -- so playful, something that’s too much like himself than the other but fitting painfully well; it makes him smile despite the words awaiting to be said aloud. instinctively he nudges back ever so slightly, bring his head down just enough to where there’s a sense of comfort in the thought that maybe noel couldn’t see his eyes. “that day… you know that was my fault, right?” he asks, knowing noel will say no and hating the thought all together. “when we went to the raid… i was the reason we went and if i hadn’t been so cocky you wouldn’t have nearly--” his voice drops again. it's the pain that pulses in his chest and the thought of the boy he could never get out of his head disappearing before he could even reach him. “... died. you almost died because of me. i don’t even have a way to heal you in this game, yet i told you to go attack that thing like it wasn’t killing people already.” it was hard to say the word. it came out strained and stuttered against a fault in his breathing that he could only blame on the same pain that continued since he started to talk. he wanted to stay silent. he wanted to not show noel just how weak he felt; but, once the other's name had dripped from his tongue, it was over. “i’m sorry.”

logically theo understood that, at some point, he’d need to voice his fears and new-found anxieties regarding the incidents of otohime eventually. though, illogically, he’d prefer it later than now. while the words fell and burned his throat as they approached one by one in a line theo wanted to stop; halting, mid-sentence, leaving noel to guess whatever else might be said all the while refusing to reveal anything else. it made him feel weak -- like everything (every word and disgusted look) his parents shouted at him when he was younger were true. theo didn’t feel like himself like this. he had never been silent nor fearful without good purpose; at least, not since he left his home and started a new, better life. this was how it felt to be twelve again; voiceless and worried of too many things out of his control, giving into whatever scenario or thought that came to mind until it was all he could think of.

the words are dulled before him at the sensation of pressure leaving his back, making his mind -- every nerve that had sunk into the feeling of noel against him -- too sensitive at the lack of something so precious. it left him needy with a silent, small voice screaming for it to return, in sync with the drum of his heart that hurt far more than it should. he knew noel was still right beside him, coming over to his front to stare him down; yet, despite that knowledge, it was easy for him mind to twist it into something negative. in a second a simple repositioning had turned to noel leaving him within this small room alone, tired and frustrated at the pitiful self-pessimism theo had let slip. his imagination took no time to fill his thoughts with the idea of it; allowing theo to live his fears through his mind while noel spoke, teasing him in what seemed like a whole other world.

there’s a subtle hint of a smile gracing his lips before noel kneels before him, swept as quickly away as theo closes his eyes, giving in to the scene playing behind them; pained as much to the idea of noel leaving as he is to the thought that he deserved the unwanted solitude. it takes theo a moment to realize the voice that was speaking to him had quieted and upon it his eyes open, finding noel to his knees in front of him. all he can muster is a confused expression that later falls apart as noel begins to talk once again; yet, this time, the words aren’t dulled. they pull his attention like they always had before, drawing him in until everything else around him falls to silence. in this moment seconds felt like minutes, yet even still it was never enough time. it all went by so slow yet too fast, sweeping away the world only to return it all back.

theo wonders at what time his eyes had started to burn, his vision faltering unnoticed through the silence and bitten back words that held little to no importance to anything noel was saying. nothing compared; not the world past the closed doors and dim lights of the town nor anything past that. his fear ridden thoughts, soaked in illogical anxieties and nightmares -- oh, how they still were there -- but now they fell to the same silence all other noise did, lacking far less of a presence as the boy before him. the same one who took up his sights every day. the one who theo wished he’d known a long time ago.

he blinks; but, as his eyes reopen again, theo isn’t sure when his attention had drifted down to where their hands now met, his own clung to by noels with that same sensation of their skin against one another that he’d craved when it was gone. however, the biggest question that raises in theo's mind, is when he had started to cry. he’d been silent throughout this whole time, so focused on noel and his words as though if, even for a second, if he’d look away or stray from them he’d disappear along with the room. he blinks again, attempting to stop the burning that comes with the next bit of tears that fill his eyes and stain his cheeks. it’s weird, embarrassing even, to sit before noel and be brought to this state right before his eyes; but even still theo can’t bring himself to turn away as noel looks back at him.

“i-- i’m sorry …” it’s the first words that come out of his mouth. they’re strained and panicked, in the same way he would apologize as a child to his parents when he knew he had done something wrong. though, unlike than, he isn’t before his parents; two people who had wanted nothing to do with a child they’d made the mistake in keeping. it was noel right there, holding his hand wanting him here; but, old habits die hard, and theo can’t find the ability to stop the way he feels so rushed and scared as he continues.

“i thought … we could do it that day in the raid. you were so amazing -- you are… you’re so much stronger than me. if i had been able to heal you or keep you safe it would have been different. you wouldn’t have almost died…” his hand grips noels as he speaks, squeezing it, keeping noel close to him in this one, small gesture, all the while trying -- hoping -- that it will ground him with the pressure. “i want to be as strong as you… i want to protect you as much as you protect me, and the one time you needed me the most i couldn’t do anything. i couldn’t even heal you when everything was over … all i could do was wait for someone else to bring your health back up.” he remembers the feeling; of how utterly useless he felt as someone called out for a healer to arrive and bring noels health back up to a decent level. it had been theos job to keep noel alive, yet he had no way to do it.

“than i put you through so much because i was too afraid to even look you in the eye,” theo starts, unintentionally casting his eyes away from noel and to the floor noel had kneeled on to speak to him. “you had almost died and all i was doing was sulking in some corner. i made you take care of me when i should have been the one making sure you were okay … even tonight, i … i ruined it just because i wasn’t in the mood.” he feels like a child having to explain himself to someone who’d long since decided it wasn’t worth listening to. with each passing word theo has to remind himself that it’s noel he’s talking to; that noel cares, even when he’s as pathetic as this. if theo could ask for anything out of noel he’d want forgiveness for everything he’s put him through for the past through days; he knows noel will do it, but theo wonders if he deserves it. “i’m sorry for being like this … i’m sorry i put you through hell just because i was being selfish,” as theo speaks his words hitch in his throat, caught by a fault in his uneven breaths. his eyes still burn and the feeling of water rolling down his face hasn’t stopped; even when he closes his eyes tight in an attempt to push it all back. “i’m sorry i couldn’t protect you … i’m sorry … please,” forgive me. his words fall flat, silent; hushed by a low cry that escapes his lips and bite of his lip to keep any others from leaving. he didn’t want to make tonight any worse than it had, even if he knew this was necessary to move on.

theo hadn’t meant to cry, nor had he meant to start rambling on about the sole reason why he’d put them both through a rather painful few days. but, hearing noel talk -- watching a boy who never was one to start a conversation so heavy as this -- it had unexpectedly took theo out of the rut he’d hidden himself in. honesty had never hurt theo as much as it did now. he’d been told the truth from day one. by his parents, by friends; by life in general. even by the same blonde haired boy sitting before him, reaching out to wipe the tears that stained his skin. honesty was good. however, this time around, honestly had forced theo to face his own inadequacy and mistakes.

he feels the pull of noels arms around his neck, stumbling him to his knees onto the floor with the other; and theo lets it happen, falling on command to noel's touch. there’s a bitter laugh that escapes his lips at the name he’s been called, wrapping his arms around the boys body to grip at his clothes as noel does to him. “i know,” he admits under his breath, closing his eyes once he leans his head against the others. “i’m sorry.” theo ignores the one thing noel has told him since he started to cry -- apologizing despite having doing so too many times in the past few minutes.

but he is sorry; for everything he's done.

theo quiets as noel talks, pulling himself away to cup his face and speak; and all he can do is stare into noel’s eyes, entranced by a voice he melts in. noel's words recall a memory theo hates. the first day they entered the game, getting trapped within it and noel, scared and panicked. it hurt to even remember. even more so after what he had done; dragging noel head first into such a dangerous situation. it’s only when theo feels noels hands find his shoulders, gripping them and bringing him back to reality that theo realizes he lost focus. he’d been too caught up in a memory, lulled into noel's words and the feeling of how close they were.

that hesitance he hears in noel sets a curiosity burning, sparking that same hope he’d always get when around him. in fleeting seconds where theo wonders if he’s the luckiest person in the world -- if, for a moment, he’ll be able to have something he’s been wanting for so long.

“what do you want to do?” theo chooses his words carefully, pushing away the hope still clinging to him; biting words that would make this whole endeavour far more awkward for noel than it already is. it’s uncharacteristic of him -- so much so that theo nearly laughs. a man so ready to say anything that crosses his mind brought to a point where he contemplated different options; if only noel knew. he’d call him an idiot just as fast as he had before.

“if i could cry in front of you, out of everything i should have did instead … you’re free to do anything.” his tone is light, contrasting the way he blinks away the last bits of tears still left from before. theo thinks for a second and, weakly, lets his false hope get the better of him. “you know there’s nothing you could do to make me upset.” it’s not the word he wants to use, nor is it as straightforward as he wants; but this was the game he played with his emotions. teetering on the edge of a cliff, unsure whether it’d be best to fall or stay. “i’ll always be here … if you can’t let me go after what i did, then you really are stuck with me.”