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May 26, 2017 22:54:53 GMT -5
Post by caritas on May 26, 2017 22:54:53 GMT -5
 It was hard to enjoy the festival.
There was this awkward tension between; something that neither one of them wanted to acknowledge, or really, bring up to one another. The recent raid was something they haven’t talked about yet. What happened there wasn’t brought up. Instead, they had developed this unhealthy clinginess to one another, at least in Noel’s case. Ever since the end of the raid, Noel had not left Theo’s side. Everywhere the other went, he would follow. If he was out of sight for too long, he would always feel the slow sense of dread and panic go through him, making it hard to even focus on anything except finding the other.
He knew Theo felt guilty; he had seen it clear on his face after he scrambled to get to him across the field. He had seen it as the other buried his face in his chest just as the final screams of Otohime came from behind them. And he was seeing it as the days went by and they continued to act like nothing was bothering them. But Noel didn’t blame him, not even a little bit for what happened back then. There was no way he could place the blame on Theo even if he tried. Whatever happened in this cursed game, the deaths and mourning that they were going through, was because of the creator. Nothing more, nothing less.
It was his suggestion to go out and enjoy themselves. The two of them had been sulking the entire time and he didn’t want to to go back to the awkwardness that was going on between them. If they could enjoy themselves, even for a few hours, then he would suck up his fears and anxieties and go out. The new place wasn’t so bad. It gave an asian vibe to the whole place and it was different from what he was used to. There were games and dances going on around them and despite the meaning behind the festival, he could feel his spirits lift slightly at the enjoyment going on around him.
“Do you want to play another game?” In his hand was the fish he won, a small pet that looked a little weird but was cute in its own way. “Or we can go find something to eat. Or one of the dances that we passed before.” It was suggestion after suggestion, a small smile appearing on his face as he looked up at his friend’s face to show that despite what happened, he was willing to try and have fun here.
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May 28, 2017 0:37:21 GMT -5
Post by avarice on May 28, 2017 0:37:21 GMT -5
when the raid had ended and otohime had perished theo had been presented with another, very constant threat. hiding the emotions that day had brought up was something theo dreaded the second the dragon had let out its final breath. lying was in his blood yet, when it came to noel -- the same boy he had clung so desperately to those days ago -- theo couldn’t seem to find the ability to do something so simple. he had tried to keep his composure when he had finally let noel go so they could go back to the little room they called home, and with each passing day theo attempted to smile. but even he knew how transparent he must have seemed. he could feel his smile falter each time he tried, and with each passing hour it took more force for his eyes to meet those of noel. words came less and less and, the usual moments he’d tease noel passed without a single thing said.
he knew noel could notice.
upon the request that they go see the new area and festivities featured around it, theo had (quite quickly) been ready to turn it down. it was, to him, simple when thinking of the outcome of their little outing if he was to be included. somewhere down the line theo would mess up (again) and ruin the mood noel was trying so hard to hype up. there would be something he’d say, triggered by one of a handful of emotions that came flooding back every time he looked at noel for too long. maybe it’d be the guilt he felt for being the cause of noel nearly dying; possibly, the self pity he had started to wallow in with how useless he felt; or, maybe, it would be the new found burden he had placed so heavily on noel since the raids end.
yet, despite all the hesitation, his old habits caught up with him. he couldn’t let noel down; not again.
it was strange to hear noel suggest so many things, or maybe it was just his mind causing the others words to seem so out of place. usually, he thinks, it’d be him who’d be following noel around like a puppy, eager to play anything that came up. wasn’t that how he acted? “uh, well…” his voice sounds as anxious as he feels, and when he hears it theo quiets himself, clearing his throat in hopes that maybe noel won’t focus so much on it. “how about we just look around for right now? if we see something interesting we can go do that.” his eyes glance over to noel, catching the smile on the others face and, while he knows it’s supposed to be noels way of cheering him up, all it does is make his heart sink. he should have never came. “actually, how about we go get something to eat?” he tries to smile as he talks but before he knows it he gives up, avoiding noel's eyes as he forces his attention somewhere else. “there’s some food stands over there, how about we check those out.”
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May 28, 2017 1:24:27 GMT -5
Post by caritas on May 28, 2017 1:24:27 GMT -5
He was trying his best. The last few days had taken a toll on him; his nerves were fried and it just left him tired. Otohime’s assault on Gargantua had left everyone rattled and in a period of mourning. As they walked through the festival, he noticed the somber underlying tone that lingered around some of the players. He had seen the ones entering the tower to pray for those that were lost in the fight. Despite the festivities going on around them, it was hard to forget what they sacrificed along the way.
Noel was trying not to think about what had happened that day; the lightning striking Theo and himself, the pain as electricity coursed through his body, the disturbing sight of his health creeping closer to zero, the panic he felt once he realized theo was gone, and the way theo looked as he collapsed to his knees in front of him. It had been hard to pull away from the embrace, the two of them clinging to each other at the close call they both had. But he didn’t blame the other. He never once thought that he shouldn’t have listened to Theo or it was Theo’s fault this ever happened. His only thought at that time was that Theo was alive and Theo was still here with him. And he wanted nothing more than to get them out of this game.
He didn’t want to call it resolve because despite his newfound desperation to become stronger, he still feared being away from Theo for too long. The past few days had made him clingy and desperate, wanting nothing more than to stay at Theo’s side to make sure nothing happened. And it wasn’t like Theo was complaining. The other was quieter than normal. Instead of the occasional flirtatious remark and that dumb smirk Noel had grown to love, he was usually met with a half smile and averted eyes. But he didn’t have much room to talk. He had been trying to put up a brave front and had been all smiles and suggestions the past few days. It was the reason why they were even out here in the first place. But despite all of his attempts to get them back to square one, Noel knew that Theo could see how horrible he felt.
He was almost as transparent as Theo.
The anxiousness and hesitation in Theo’s voice made his smile falter a little but still managing to keep it up despite it not reaching his eyes. put on a smile He knew his friend was trying just as hard as he was to keep this going, to at least try and enjoy the festival a little. He watched as Theo tried to smile and instead averted his gaze to look somewhere else. His own smile crumbled and he was left looking down at the ground instead. put on a smile He knew they should talk about what happened. He knew that they should say what their problems were to bury whatever fears they had going on between them. But the last thing he wanted to do was ruin the already somber mood between them. It could wait.
“Okay, we can go get something to eat!” With his eyes finally off the ground, Noel gave his best smile and turned to look at the stands ahead. He was going to keep trying. “I saw some stands giving away free samples. Do you want to just get a sample from each one and make a meal out of that? People do it all the time at malls.” Noel began walking again, leading the way towards the food stands so Theo would have no choice but to follow. “If you really want, after we eat, I can try to win you a fish like this one.” His hands raised the plastic bag containing the weird bubble-eyed fish in his hands. “They had different ones but I think the game is rigged. But if you really want one then I can try again.”
put on a smile
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May 28, 2017 2:51:12 GMT -5
Post by avarice on May 28, 2017 2:51:12 GMT -5
to say he was pathetic would be an understatement of the truth. noel didn’t need to say anything about his behavior; he could imagine everything the other probably wanted to say to him; and, honestly, theo hated himself as much as noel probably hated him. it shouldn’t have been this hard to smile and pretend to be okay even when he wasn’t. noel could do it and he had for days while theo sat around, too afraid to look at noel and think of his own faults. he had wanted nothing more than to not let noel down again. it had happened in the raid when noel's life bar had nearly reached zero, even before that when he had so arrogantly pushed the other into it. maybe he had let noel down other times, too blind to realize it at the time and too scared to try and think back on it.
noel had always been stronger than him; that was something theo had always known and admired. while he had run away from his own issues, with his parents to even now, noel faced his own demons. even when they were still there he, at least, tried. it made theo fall for noel more and yet, selfishly, theo wished he could be the same way. maybe than he’d be able to smile and be someone noel needed most right now. at least than he wouldn’t have to silently watch noel put on a brave face while he stood back, unable to find the words or drive to do the same.
noels voice nearly makes him jump, having been too preoccupied with his thoughts to have focused on anything around him. it’s all sound; odd cheering and muffled words. everything was too bright, colorful and out of place. but his eyes catch noel as he moves in front of him, and with it a sense of familiarity and panic hits him, forcing him to keep his eyes on only him. his feet move on their own, keeping a pace behind noel. try, he thinks, at least try. for him.
“samples sound fine to me. maybe we’ll find something we like and actually buy something,” theo says, half attempting to make some sort of joke while the other forces the words that dared to push themselves back. he’s grateful that noel lifts up the small bag he’d been holding since winning the odd prize. it’s something to keep his eyes on other than noel. “i don’t think we need another … fish.” theo starts, finally quickening his pace so he’s walking right beside the other. “but if you want, we can try. did you name that thing?”
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May 28, 2017 3:37:34 GMT -5
Post by caritas on May 28, 2017 3:37:34 GMT -5
He could see Theo was trying his best to get into the mood for the festival. He could see it in the way he tried his best to play along in the festivities and suggestions that he keeps throwing at him. And as much as he appreciated it, he felt guilty for trying to force his friend into something he clearly didn’t want to do. But even so, Theo was still trying for him, attempting to get into the mood despite his feelings over it. And as Theo walked up beside him, Noel couldn’t help but smile at him in thankfulness for attempting to even put up with him.
“I haven’t named it. Do you want to name it something? I’ll give you the honors.” Noel waved the fish in front of Theo, giving him a clear look at the fish. But instead of looking at the fish, his eyes were on his face, taking in his features in an attempt to see what was bothering the other. But he didn’t have to search for something he already knew. He knew that he should bring it up, at least to relieve some of Theo’s guilt over what happened. But each time he thought about it, his throat closed up and refused to get the words out. Because a small part of him knew that it was his own fault.
Ever since they had gotten in the game, Theo had been trying his best to keep him safe and happy. They had stayed in the towns, never wandering out into the world unless it was through safe means. They had taken quests within town, gathering up money to get whatever they needed. And Theo had tried so hard to help him conquer his fears only for him to screw it up because he wasn’t careful. He should have been paying attention. He should have done his job as a Virtue and protected his Vice. But despite all that he still failed and had almost killed the one person who mattered in his life. He couldn’t lose Theo here. Theo wouldn’t end up like his-
Noel paused and turned away from Theo, not knowing how long he had been staring nor caring. It was already obvious between them that they were broken over what happened, the two of them dealing with their own issues over what happened. “Um…” Noel began, his voice still giving that false cheery tone despite the upset look on his face. “Do you mind if we make a quick stop first? I want to go check out the tower.” It was the main attraction of the festival, a silent place for those to mourn all those who have died. “Or you can stand outside if you want since...it’s not going to be the most cheerful place here. I just need to…” What did he need? He didn’t know anyone personally in the game. He didn’t know anyone that had died here. But for some reason… “I just need to go see it for a second...if that’s okay.”
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May 28, 2017 5:18:26 GMT -5
Post by avarice on May 28, 2017 5:18:26 GMT -5
theo wanted to try for noel and show him as brave of a face as his. he had been able to do it the day everyone learned they were now trapped within this game. without much of a thought he had pulled noel to the side, somewhere past all the screams and crying where they could be alone, and he had been that rock noel had needed. theo had taken charge with finding them a place to stay that night and the rest of their time in this game, hushed away the boys anxieties and worries with soft spoken reassurance. he’d done his best to help noel through his fears and keep them safe within this unknown world, but he guessed somewhere down the line that was where he had messed up. now he only wished that he could be the same person he had been before the raid. so confident in his ability to keep noel safe and happy; to be someone he could look up to and know that, despite anything, he’d be strong enough for both of them.
there’s a moment where theo can feel his lips turn to a small smile, and he wonders if it’s visible enough for noel to notice through the small see-through bag the other now holds up. he wants to try; it's a steady reminder that comes up every other thought. theo can’t help but think noels attempt at a conversation, for him to be given the honors of naming a little fish in a bag, is sweet despite what hides behind the forced smile noel gives. “well,” theo starts, slowly finding the words to say as his attention shifts from the boy staring at him to the fish circling lazily around the small area. “it’s not the cutest looking thing … but i’m sure i could think of something.” it gives theo a moment of silence to partially think of a decent name for the goldfish and to contemplate an array of thoughts that carry through his mind. he hadn’t wanted to look at noel for too long, especially not while they still stood on such an awkward ground. the way noel looked, the forced out happy tone that seemed far too fake; it felt strange seeing it with all the glow and color of the surrounding festival.
it takes theo a second to realize noel hasn’t said anything nor commented on his last words or silence that followed. he catches at the other turns away from him, and with it theo tilts his head, trying to see if noel is okay -- or at least, as okay as he had been since they arrived. theos first thought is that maybe he had messed up in some way, and as noel starts to talk theo hangs off every word, wondering when he’ll hear noel make his fears reality. however what the other says leaves theo confused, staring at the boy as he finishes his sentence and asks if they could go to visit the tower. he doesn’t make the connection as he stands there, glancing away from noel for a second to see the tower a short distance away.
“it doesn’t matter, i’m still going to come with you. why would i wait outside?” theo asks more rhetorical than anything. noel should know better than anyone that he wouldn’t leave his side, even if it was just for a second. “let's go, and then … maybe afterwards we can try to find something to do if you’re up for it.” if theo wants to accomplish anything tonight it's to at least try and lighten the mood for noel. he wants to lift a least some of the weight he’s placed off noels shoulders so he can relax without forcing a smile everyday he sees him. taking a step forward theo brings out his hand, extending it to noel as he stops, turning his head back to him. he forced another smile; still small and too transparent, but there. “come on, let's go.”
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May 28, 2017 14:06:33 GMT -5
Post by caritas on May 28, 2017 14:06:33 GMT -5
 There wasn’t a particular reason why he wanted to go to Otsukimi Tower. He hadn’t know anyone here in the game personally besides Theo. It wasn’t him to just go out and meet people to socialize with. The tower was a place of mourning as people remember the ones who died during the game. He thankfully didn’t have that. But something was drawing him to the tower and while Noel didn’t exactly know the reason why, he was hoping to understand once he got there.
It was going to kill the already somber mood, there wasn’t a doubt in Noel’s mind. They had come out to the festival to have fun and yet here he was, asking Theo to come to a place where people were mourning the loss of the life. It was going to be a place that reminded them of their close encounter only a few days ago. And it would be the place that reminded Noel of that one fear that was continously plaguing him even before they arrived in the game.
It was Theo’s voice that broke him out of his thoughts and a wave of relief washed through him as the other said he would come with him. It had been a stupid suggestion on his part. There was no way Theo had planned on leaving him behind despite the risk of worsening his mood. Noel didn’t answer him and he didn’t need to as Theo continued to try and get in the festivities around them. He didn’t want to leave the festival right now but he didn’t know what would happen at the tower. “Yeah I still want us to try and get some food.” Before he could walk however, Theo’s hand reached out and waited for his, his face turning to him and giving him a small smile. He stared silently at the hand before glancing up to meet Theo’s eyes, returning the same smile back at him as he reached to grasp the hand held out to him.
It was a strange sense of deja vu; it wasn’t too long ago that they were both on a cruise ship and Theo had done the same thing. It was right before their boat had been attacked and they both experienced battle for the first time. It was back when he had finally gained the confidence to even move forward from that point. And it was all thanks to Theo because if it had been just left to him, they wouldn’t have left the first town. Everything good that happened in his life was thanks to Theo in the end. Theo was the one who helped relieve his fears when he couldn’t move. Theo was the one who encouraged him to go forward. Theo had done so much for him that he couldn’t even imagine how his life would have been without him.
His grip on Theo’s hand tightened a little.
It wasn’t a long walk to the tower since the festival was centered around it. He hadn’t said a word since he took Theo’s hand, instead getting lost in his own thoughts and memories while they walked. Before long they were standing at the entrance as players and NPCs alike walked past them. It was silent inside and from the entrance, he could see a number of players praying inside. It was almost like a funeral. “You know…” Noel began, his eyes locked inside the tower as he watched a player pray alone silently. “I…” It was too familiar and the longer he stared, the body of the player was replaced by the image of a young boy with blond hair kneeling by himself. “I know I already said this but I want to thank you for staying with me. And not just that…” His grip tightened even more. “I’m sorry for scaring you back then. I should have been more careful...especially after I made you promise to not die...It’s only fair that I should have done the same.”
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May 28, 2017 18:46:00 GMT -5
Post by avarice on May 28, 2017 18:46:00 GMT -5
all theo wants to do is make sure noel is okay. even though his self pity and doubt theo wanted this more than anything, but he had been hesitant to do anything with noel in fear that he’d mess up as badly as he had before. it would be hard to top dragging noel, someone already anxious and fearful, to a raid where he nearly died; but, theo’s sure he could find a way. his words had been the reason behind their little confrontation with death and, ultimately, been the cause for the awkwardness between them. it was part of the reason why theo bit back his words and took a more silent role in their friendship. if he didn’t say anything the chances of him causing problems for noel would lessen.
however, for right now theo fought harder to ignore all the alerts and warnings his mind was throwing up. he could see how hard it was for noel -- how bad it had been ever since that lightning hit them both -- and right now theo couldn’t just sit back and stay silent. at least not as much as he had been.
his eyes catch that small smile noel gives him before all his focus is caught up in the feeling of their skin meeting one another -- the way that noel tightens his grip on his hand -- and the way his feet move, taking them to the tower ahead. the silence between them wasn’t welcomed however neither of them seemed willing to speak up and break it, and so theo fell to his own thoughts as they continued forwards. the festival around him dulled to silence, replaced by the sounds he remembers from the raid. he’s too caught up in the memory, torturing himself in silence, to realize they had finally arrived to the front of the tower.
theo stops when noel does, pausing just before the open doors of the tower beckoning any saddened travelers to rest within. he feels heavy just standing outside of the tower, his stomach turning as his heart sins; just being here makes all the guilt come back. just a few seconds more and he’d have a reason to go inside the tower, joining the groups of players on their knees. that is, if he was strong enough to move on. when noel starts to speak up theo flinches -- hopes that noel doesn’t notice when he stills himself -- and as theo listens to the others words theo feels that same sinking feeling he’s been trying to ignore. as noels grip on his hand gets tighter theo can’t help but loosen his. hearing noel thank him and even apologize for what had happened to bring them to this point -- it couldn’t have made him feel worse.
it hadn’t been noels fault. he had done everything he needed to do and played his role right -- it had been theo who had fell short, unable to do anything when to actually protect noel. it had been his fault for being so useless from the start and to ignorant in his own abilities to realize it sooner. “you didn’t do anything wrong.” he didn’t want noel to thank him; he didn’t deserve something like that. why should noel thank the person who had almost gotten them both killed, and for what? for some items that’ll possibly help them in another dangerous situation. he had nearly thrown their lives away on something so pointless. “you don’t need to thank me.”
he finally takes his eyes away from the inside of the tower and to the boy still clinging to his hand. it hurt to look noel in the face -- even more so now that noel had said what he did -- and, despite knowing noel's words were meant to be kind, theo couldn’t help but turn them into something else. “you don’t need to say anything like that, i … i understand, okay? so just … don’t.” theo said, averting his gaze the second his voice began to trail off into silence, too ashamed and guilty to look his friend in the eyes for any longer than he had. “lets just go inside. we can find a place to sit.”
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May 28, 2017 23:04:18 GMT -5
catharsis likes this
Post by caritas on May 28, 2017 23:04:18 GMT -5
As many times as he’s said he appreciates Theo, the other would never know how much he truly did. Theo had opened up a wide range of emotions and feelings in him that he had thought he lost a long time ago. Theo had brought back his childhood, something he had lost the day his mother passed. He had been forced to grow up way too fast, unable to take care of his father and himself when his dad was mourning his wife. It was just him now, working two jobs and barely making it with his dad out of work. Noel had lost friends, time, and the beginning of his entrance into adulthood where he was supposed to be out partying and having fun. Noel had accepted that the day of his mother’s funeral as he watched his father fall apart in front of him. There was no going back so he had to suck it up and deal with it.
But Theo had changed everything. He had come in like a tornado throwing everything he had accepted out the window and placing new things in their place. It had been the spark he needed again, smiles coming easier to him now and late nights partying at random places he was dragged to. Everything was different and he felt like he could enjoy himself for once; that he was allowed to enjoy himself for once. And Theo had sparked courage in him despite his fears and anxieties and opened him up to so many options that he had limited himself to. But somehow it had backfired and the good thing that Theo had done for him was now the one thing that was torturing Theo instead.
It’s not fair
Noel felt the flinch when he began to speak but didn’t comment, instead hoping his words would somehow ease his friend’s trouble even if a little. He wasn’t the talker and he didn’t know how to talk to people. That job fell to Theo and as he felt his grip loosen in his hand, he knew that it had come back to bite him in the ass. As Theo talked, Noel slowly loosened his own grip before his hand fell to his side again. His eyes were glued to the ground once more, listening as Theo was practically begging him to stop. There was so much more that he had to thank Theo for and tell him but as Theo continued to talk, Noel’s words fell short until there was just silence.
A part of him didn’t want to go inside the tower. Inside there was a grim silence and that just meant the two of them would be lost in their own thoughts again. It was the last thing they needed right now. Another part of him was afraid to go inside because it reminded him… “This place reminds me of the funeral.” The words slipped out before he could stop them. “I guess it is a funeral of sorts but...it reminds of her.” An image of a young woman with the same shade of hair and eyes as him flashed in his mind. “It’s sort of selfish for me to think about her when she wasn’t even in the game but I thought coming here would remind me of her. About what she would want me to do.” It was selfish of him to bring it up but as he talked, he slowly began to realize what she would have said to him in a situation like this.
She would want him to fix this. She would want him to be happy.
But he couldn’t be happy until Theo was...because Theo was his happiness now. And with that thought in his mind, Noel began to speak. “Theo, I…” keep talking “I feel like we should talk about this. About what happened back at the raid.” Maybe it wasn’t the best time to do it, not in the middle of a vigil for all the players who were already mourning. But he didn’t want to just end it right there. “Please talk to me. I can’t continue to watch you torture yourself over this.”
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May 29, 2017 6:34:13 GMT -5
Post by avarice on May 29, 2017 6:34:13 GMT -5
the hand that once held his so firmly began to go limp, the pressure of the others grip fading away by the second until it was gone and theo was left to glance back to see the hand fall to the side. theo had wanted nothing more than to take some of the stress he had caused off of noel's shoulders, however from just a few words something had triggered inside of his brain, causing him to retreat back in order to stop his mind from falling to the same place it had sat for hours. it wasn’t fair to put noel through this. what had been said had been a kind gesture to say the least -- and unnecessary but sweet attempt to make theo cheer up -- but despite understanding that theo had retaliated instantly, shutting noel down completely. his own small rule had been broken and the silence he’d become familiar rest had failed to stop him from allowing the words to fall from his lips.
there was no reason for theo to keep his hand out nor wait for noel to seek it out; and as theo brought it to his side to grip at the fabric of his clothes it was strangely obvious how odd it felt to have lost the feeling of noel's hand within his. through the haze of emotions the sensation of his touch had been the most relaxing feeling he had for some time and now that it was gone theo felt even more out of place than before. keeping his eyes forward to stare at what was hidden within the temple's grounds theo waited, wondering if and when noel would take his first steps into the place he’d asked to visit; but when noel's voice rang out without his body coming into view theo’s eyes fell to the ground.
on a better day theo would have guessed the reasoning behind noels sudden interest in going to such a somber place, but with his mind too occupied theo had selfishly overlooked such a key detail in the boy's life. his surprise to the sudden topic was half related to the minor details of the funeral while the rest was the sheer irritation he felt towards himself for being so blind. it was, in no way, selfish of noel to feel the way he did. anyone would have done the same and sought out some sort of solace for the loss of anyone they loved, whether it be in the game or the real world; and, after a brief second of hesitation, theo opens his mouth to say just that. but it’s noel whose voice halts his words -- makes his body stiff and frozen in place -- as what the other says registers in his head.
noel wasn’t wrong in saying they needed to talk things through. this awkward silence between them felt so foreign and the new territory of thoughts he’d been dragged to had left theo scared of the unknown. but even than that was far more inviting than risking everything and talking his feelings through with noel. the last thing theo wanted to do was be some sob story for the boy to pity; and even though he’d done nothing but wallow since the raid voicing his fears aloud to the one person he cared for the most was something else entirely. theo had thought he understood noel -- at least enough to guess what type of response he’d be given when telling him certain things -- but he had also thought he could protect the other from anything that came their way. if he could be wrong about that than he could be wrong about anything else.
he's been silent for far too long but it comes too easy for him to simply stand there, eyes focused on the ground without a single word being able to get through. theo wonders how long it’d take for noel to give up on trying to talk to him if he were to stay just like this; but a single thought comes to mind, shutting the idea down completely. if theo were to hold onto anything and believe it without a single doubt, it would be that noel deserved everything. try, he thinks again, for him.
“noel, i don’t want to ruin …” his voice drops, the words catching in his throat as he thinks them through. he doesn’t want to ruin this evening with him, at least not more than he already has. “i don’t want to ruin tonight. i know i haven’t been the best company but talking about this … it’s not going to help.” theo knows this isn’t the response noel had probably hoped to get, however laying out his feelings and going through all the doubts and fears that plagued him each time it was silent -- each time he looked at noel for too long and saw the boy hurt and on the ground nearly dead -- wasn’t going to happen. not easily at least. “i’m sorry i’ve been like this … and i’m sorry you have to ignore everything just to get me to talk or go out. i know you’re dealing with things, i can see it … even when you try to hide it.” his breathing falters, letting a laugh barely audible to even him leave his lips as he talks. it’s pathetic to hear himself go on like this and all theo wants to do is let the words be choked back like all those other times; but he tries. for him. “please, just … drop this. i’m not torturing myself or, i guess, maybe i am … but i deserve it for dragging you into that raid. so just, let's drop it, alright?” theo isn’t sure where the strength comes to lift his head, nor how he’s able to bring his eyes to meet noels and smile. its fake -- forced -- and obviously so that he knows noel will see right through him as always. “there’s nothing to talk about. we all know what happened and i'll make sure to not be a downer anymore, so you don't need to worry … so let's just … forget about it.”
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May 29, 2017 17:19:59 GMT -5
Post by caritas on May 29, 2017 17:19:59 GMT -5
The silence between them was long and tense. Noel didn’t know why he brought up his mother. It had been a moment of weakness on his part as he watched the other players pray for the ones he lost. It had not been a lie when he said this place reminded him of the funeral; the people weeping and praying as they thought back to the ones they lost. Coming here had made him think of her and what she would tell him to do in a situation like this. He knew that they were in a game and that she wasn’t even alive when the game had been made but he thought maybe he would feel a little bit closer to her so she would tell him what to say.
God, she would have loved Theo.
The long silence was broken by Theo’s words and as he continued to speak, hearing what he he was saying hurt him more than he thought it would. It was everything he already knew; that Theo blamed himself for what happened, that he thought he was ruining the night for them, that he thought he was bothering Noel, that he deserves feeling like this. “You’re not ruining anything.” He interjected weakly, unable to say anything as his friend continued talking. There was too much to say; so many counterarguments to what Theo was saying was flowing through his mind at once.
He didn’t want to drop it. He didn’t want to stop talking because if they left it like it is now then it would only get worse. He didn’t want to watch Theo continue to hate himself for something that wasn’t beyond his control. He knew better than anyone that things happened whether they wanted it or not. There was no way Theo could have known how bad the raid would be. There was no way he could have predicted that they would take a hit that would almost kill them. And there was no way he could have known they would get trapped in a game that held their lives in its hands.
But he understood how it felt to blame oneself for something like this. He had spent a long time blaming himself about his mother despite knowing that what happened wasn’t his fault. It was easy to place the blame on himself rather that accept that things like that happen for a reason and that nothing they could say or do would change that. But Theo had helped him with that. Theo had healed his troubled thoughts and self-doubt into a slow but sure acceptance that he could live with. It was still there, that low voice in the back of his head that told him it was his fault that she was gone now, but Theo had managed to come in and make it bearable again. He knew the guilt wasn’t going to magically go away because life didn’t work like that. But Theo had helped him deal with his own guilt more than he could explain and he wanted to do the same.
“Okay.” It was hard not to accept it, wanting nothing more than to continue on and throw his feelings out for all to see. But instead he bit his lip, his eyes glancing away from Theo for a second before turning back. “I’m sorry I brought it up.” With the mood ruined, it was obvious the two of them weren’t ready to take part in the festival. “We can head back now if you want. It’s obvious we both aren’t really in the mood to enjoy anything here.” There was nothing at the tower he needed to do and he had already gotten the answer he needed. His only problem now was fixing his mistakes. “Let’s go back.” He smiled up at theo to show him that it was fine and he didn’t want to leave because of their small argument. He just knew that there was a lot more they needed to talk about that would be best said in private.
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Jun 2, 2017 1:46:02 GMT -5
Post by avarice on Jun 2, 2017 1:46:02 GMT -5
when it mattered noel was far too patient with him, and the kindness the other gave to him now made theo wonder if he felt obligated to do so. these odd thoughts made by his newly surfaced self doubt felt strange and, if anything, fueled his suspicions even more. on a better day theo would have been the one to drag noel through his anxieties and out to a night of partying. when the other felt as though he was being pulled to the temple to mourn his late mother theo would have followed, sat in one of the rows within and comforted him. but instead theo laid out his own issues, selfishly focused on his own thoughts to the point that it had taken noel to say something and explain why they were here for him to understand. on a better day theo would have been the person noel deserved and needed at times like this.
that forced smile hurts the sides of his face -- strains him in the most exhausting way -- and theo isn’t sure if he’s tired physically, emotionally or both at this point. while he contemplates the thought theo hears noel speak, pulling his attention away from himself as the other pushes the conversation he had tried to make aside for his sake. his eyes glance down, faltering his fake persona as his eyes linger on the ground between them when the other apologizes. theo understood that they should talk about things and finally voice all the concerns and feelings the raid had brought up for the both of them; but fear kept him silent and his strength to move past it wasn’t as strong as noel.
when his eyes focus back on noel it’s just in time for the other to say they should leave, giving him the same transparent smile that mirrored his own. he didn’t want to leave the night like this nor ruin what was supposed to be a fun trip, but as theo stood between the open doors of the tower and the boy who meant so much to him -- all he could do was nod in agreement. “alright,” he says, hesitantly reaching out to take the others hand. it’s unlike him to pause like this however it makes sense with how he's been acting. “let's go.”
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